I find myself making a decision

I find myself making a decision, to accept my reality. The world around me is the way it is, the moments are few that I can actually change ‘this moment’ all the others things I do only effect the near or distend future. So feeling miserable and sorry for my self doesn’t change anything. My self-pity only made facing the future harder and took out the fun of everyday life. Why did I feel this way, it didn’t change anything around me and gave me anything but motivation to get out of the dark hole of my misery.

Only a short wile ago I had this insight, about the nonconstructiveness of self-pity. This insight was directly followed by another, that I didn’t accept my reality; I was miserable but didn’t accept it, I kept asking myself “why me? It’s so unfair that I should be feeling this way. Did I deserve this?” In this moment of clarity – where I could see what I was doing and at the same time realise what the effect was on me and my life – I just accepted my situation. My misery didn’t vanish, but it reduced to a faint sting in the back of my mind. Why? Because I wasn’t thinking about it all the time, I just accepted it as a fact, like you accept and know that the grass is green. The moment I accepted my situation I didn’t have to think about it the whole time, my mind was free.

It was like being free and weightless, really being able to see the world around me for the first time. I had an optimistic way of looking at my life and everything around me was beautiful, because I could really see them and not trough the cloud of my own (dark)thoughts. I enjoyed every little thing around me, which before I took for granted. Even though my life and situation where far from perfect I was really happy, aware of and enjoying this moment, looking forward to the future.

That’s the way I have been feeling from that moment on. And you could too.